What keeps me from enjoying life? What most gets in my way of doing things I'd like to be doing? What would life be like if I just "let it go". Fear and death. I am afraid every time I leave my home. I feel safer when with my husband but still have my guard up. I've written of this fear before, I'm sure. Yet I felt free in France. I could "let it go".
I live in the same place where I was abused and used for covert purposes between 1967 and 1997. The cult, the government, the government-related people are still here. Maybe some or even most have died. But I am monitored and believe I will be until I die at my own hand or of natural causes. They need the date because I was part of a birth to death project. It's been awhile since I've noticed one of three vehicles and different people who sporadically follow me and make themselves known.
Even if I knew I would never be followed again, I know that my friend who was speaking out against her abuse by the Department of Energy and had her medical records to prove it was killed. I know government type people came into her home terrifying her husband and children and confiscated the books, files and information she had shown me when I visited her. Dead in her thirties two days after the meeting where she spoke had been televised. Too many people actually listened to her. So there's that.
When do I cross the line? I did stop pursuing one line of validation because of that fear. I just knew I'd be dead before ever having proof. My guard is up. I know a van can swoop by and I could be pulled in within seconds which is why I don't get my own gasoline. I've come to learn volunteer fire department personnel and community police officers are part of the local underworld and I don't know who can be trusted if I did need help.
The book asked if I could visualize my life if I let that obstacle of fear go. Yes, I'd be dead. Several therapists point out no one has tried to hurt me since healing and speaking out on behalf of survivors and educating via my blogs. I point out it's because I haven't crossed the line yet. Maybe overly guarded is more accurate than living in fear. I am fearful of letting down that protective guard.
This is the energy that keeps me exhausted. Or lack of energy. Tired of being on guard. Tired of feeling like I'm still someone's prey. I'll keep working on it.